You’ve all seen the various “for Dummies” books at the bookstores throughout the country.  I, personally, have seen Golf for Dummies, Stocks for Dummies and even Cryogenically Enhanced Artificial Insemination for Dummies.   People write these various books to instruct and simplify. 

Instruct and Simplify… if only becoming an “expert” (there’s that word again) were this easy.  Well, if it were, there would probably already be a Drafting for Dummies book.  Since there is not, I decided that I would attempt to apply my infinite wisdom to this ever-popular topic.  Fantasy owners across the nation are repeatedly reminded that a fantasy football season can be made or broken on draft day.  Draft the best team in the league and chances are you will be golden.  Draft a team comprised of Billy Joe Tolliver, Terry Kirby, and Eddie Kennison and you might be in for a long, dreadful season.

With this in mind, I’ve spent years compiling a list of the essentials for an exciting, if not successful, draft.  I have clearly defined the results in this article.  Remember, the purpose here is to Instruct and Simplify.

1.     Cheat Sheets – We have all been in leagues with the “Cheat Sheet Warriors”.  You know them, the guys (or girls, if you are in one of “those” leagues) who do not prepare for an upcoming draft, preferring to merely show up with a Cheat Sheet ripped from their favorite fantasy magazine as a guide.  These owners feel that preparation time was merely wasted time.  Why prepare for a draft?  That is what the magazine guys are paid for, isn’t it?  Just say No to Cheat Sheets.  A real owner doesn’t need a magazine to tell him whom to draft.  He merely needs his local newspaper and a listing of Depth Charts for all NFL teams.  I have not yet determined what role the newspaper actually plays in drafting, but it definitely is a necessary tool.  The Depth Charts, on the other hand, are the keys to the draft.  I have found that it is actually best to try to find depth charts from the previous NFL season, rather than the upcoming.  Nobody can REALLY predict what effects the moves of the offseason will have upon the upcoming season, so why try?

2.     Pre-Draft Actions – Prior to commencing the draft, the astute owner will do two things.  First, you MUST drink as much alcohol as possible.  Alcohol is the cure to a poor draft (and if you are using this guide to draft, you will need A LOT of it).  Secondly, and more importantly, you should make valuable use of the pre-draft time.  Spend this time advising all of your fellow owners that there are a great number of rookies that will be the next “so-and-so superstar”, and should, therefore, be drafted in the first three rounds.  This is important, because once you are drunk, you are very likely to heed your own advice, thus calling the name of a great rookie selection very early.  Don’t fret the pick, as all rookies pan out.

3.      Drafting Acumen appreciation – Owners enjoy having their selections complimented by their opponents.  If you compliment the picks that every owner makes, you will not seem very sincere.  So, pick out five owners who consistently draft solid teams.  Whenever one of these owners makes a selection, compliment the pick.  It matters not who was picked, you should compliment the owner.  Also, always compliment yourself for all of your wonderful picks.  Whenever another owner asked why you haven’t complimented his picks, merely point out that you are waiting for him to actually make a decent pick.  Inform him that all of his picks thus far have been poor, and you will let him know when he finally makes a good one.  Also, throughout the draft, repeatedly ask the owners that you have yet to compliment for advice on whom to pick.  When they offer advice, make it readily apparent that you are ignoring them.

4.     Draft your Kicker in Round 4 – This should be an obvious rule.  No matter what the size of the league, or the number of starters required, you should draft a Kicker in Round 4.  Once the first three rounds are complete, all of the top players will be off the board.  None of them will probably occupy a roster spot on your team, however.  This is your chance to change that.  Draft the Kicker that scored the most points the previous season with your fourth round pick.  Then proclaim the pick a steal, as you got the leading scorer at a position this late into your draft.

5.     Sympathy picks – Draft at least one player who is no longer playing in the NFL.  Three such players is ideal.  Try to use these picks to draft players who were not stars even when they were playing.  If your league allows Keepers, then you can even retain these players from one season to the next!  Note:  There will be times when these “sympathy picks” are made accidentally.  You are not being paid to know which players retired and which did not.  If you unknowingly select a player that is no longer playing, merely react to the criticism as if you were aware of the situation.

6.      Roster-fillers – If you must draft players that are still in the league, use the Depth Charts to assemble a team of players who fill various depth chart positions on your team.  Who wants a team full of starting QBs, RBs, and WRS?  You should have at least 1 quarterback and 3 running backs who do not start for their NFL teams on your roster.  This will accomplish two things.  First, it will insure that you have no need to pay attention to Bye weeks.  Since the players on your fantasy team’s bench won’t produce superior numbers to your starters who have Bye weeks, you will not feel the pressure of having to actually manage your roster.  Secondly, if by chance one of these players becomes a starter and produces strong fantasy numbers, you will enjoy the praise heaped upon you by your fellow owners.  It is always nice to be appreciated for your ability to recognize potential sleepers.

7.     Special Requirements – If your league has special rules or requirements for the draft, ignore them.  If another owner points out that you have yet to adhere to the requirements, merely point out that this is all part of your master strategy.  Once your draft reaches the final round, stand up and proclaim your surprise that you mistakenly forgot to adhere to the special requirements.  Feverishly begin to inquire with all owners about a “fair way” to resolve the problem.  Ignore their suggestions!  After a few minutes, simply sit down and pretend that nothing occurred.

8.     Team Continuity – This last rule of Drafting for Dummies is the most important.  Always try to assemble the same team that you had the previous year.  It doesn’t matter that you were 1-12 last year.  That doesn’t mean that you won’t improve this season.  And just because all of the players are now retired…